If Christopher Nolan wrote a blog

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If Pyromaniacs were James Bond

If you look up the word suave in any dictionary, you will instantly be confronted with a moving picture of a gentleman in a tuxedo whipping a lighter out of his pocket and either (depending on the dictionary); striking up his own pipe, or gallantly striking up the cigarette on the stick of an awaiting damsel.

However, the act of reaching into your pocket and un-holster your lighting device creates just another opportunity for an error to occur thus eliminating any possibility of suaveness. From dropping the lighter out of your pocket, losing your grip on it and sending it flying and flaming across the room, to that awkward moment when you're wearing pants that don't have pockets, and thus reaching for your lighter would be physically impossible.

The wonderful folks at Cool Material have introduced a solution to this potentially embarrassing scenario, but eliminating the distance that exists between your fire and your fingers. Only adding to the cool factor, is that they own the title of one of the only sets of cufflinks to come with a warning document. While these warnings appear to actively impede any ultra suaveness on behalf of their users, any reasonably savvy user would say they only exist as guidelines, and the possibility of lighting your sleeves and to that extent yourself are so minimal, that you should soak your sleeves in kerosene because admittedly, lighting a cigarillo with your whole hand would be infinitely more amazing.

At the affordable $90, I think its worth it, purely for the worlds most entertaining wardrobe change that would follow.

If women lived in kitchens.

 Since the dawn of humanity, humans have always needed to eat. It is simply what fuels us, and allows us to effectively survive. In primitive times, men were much more adept at hunting for food, and as such, women would try and make themselves appear attractive, in the hopes of luring in a male who could adequately provide for them.

Then, somewhere down the line, men realised that women were much better at cooking the food they brought home than they themselves were. So they would force their women to slave over burning stoves and weep over chopped onions, all so that they could continue to grunt and talk to other men about shoulders and manly things. Yes, the first kitchens weren't a friendly place, but they were a neccessary evil for the survival of humanity as a whole.

However, some men were not happy with their women. This was because they spent so much time in kitchens, that they barely had time to look at themselves and realise that they'd turned into some sort of unsightly wench over night. But remedying this would mean leaving the kitchen, definitely too high a cost for the survival of humanity.

Thankfully, 300 years later, we have a solution! Introducing the (not kidding) "I'm so Flippin Hot Mirror Spatula", a device so simple and life saving that I don't know how society has survived without it! There's not much more too it, its a mirror, its a spatula, you can look at yourself while you cook, it's easy to clean, what more do you people want?! At $24 it's much cheaper than your vanity, so it's definitely worth looking in to.

Disclaimer: the above story is complete and utter bullshit, it exists only because I, as a man, can think of no real logical reason as to why this item actually exists. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a conversation about sports I'm missing out on.

If coffee cups were traffic lights

In the animal kingdom, organisms often use incredibly bright or vibrant colouring in order to visually demonstrate that taking a bite out of one will probably kill you. These primitive evolutionary traits are so effective, that not only do they keep the organisms alive, they warn would be predators that their potential prey probably wont make the best after dinner snack. In some ways, this basic survival mechanism translates into the real world, Traffic lights and stop signs are red to tell us to stop, hazard signs are usually bright red or yellow to garner out immediate attention, and gingers....well, enough said.

Dangerously though, there are still many areas currently where the world doesn't warn us of impending doom. It is a daily ritual for some, and a life source for others, but getting the morning coffee takes the lives of thousands of taste buds at a time and you'll never know when they strike. On one day you'll have the perfectly cooked roast, and the next you will be drinking the molten brimstone that is the run-off from satan's comically sized bath tub.

If only our coffee could warn us about the days when it's feeling a bit tetchy.

Enter the Smart Lid, an incredibly simple device that takes advantage of the technology currently used only on novelty mugs of scantily clad women to change colour when faced with heat. While the sterile white lids of the modern era look nice when we sip our brew in public, they don't warn us in anyway of the veracity of the liquids they supress. A Smart lid however, will start off as brown and turn bright red when faced with heat, at an impressive speed at that!

But surely, this reasonably simple device of unfathomable science will send the cost of my morning hot chocolate through the roof!

No.

 

According to Smart lids, the cost of these new lids would be covered by raising your prices by 1%

Sadly I dont think this will actually fix the problem, as people are only going to order hotter and hotter coffee's just to see exactly how smart their lids are.

If You Needed A Quick Ocean Get-Away

Whenever I am asked the question "don't you wish you had a portable, foldable boat?" (which is surprisingly frequently) I always answer in the affirmative.. "Always"

Finally, all of my dreams have come true. As shown above, the amazing contraption called Foldboat is a two-person row boat that can be dismantled and folded into a sheet 5mm thick and around 2 x 1 metres in floor space.

Not only is it of a convenient storage size, it's also ridiculously easy and quick to assemble. The website boasts that it's three components can be put together in two minutes, with no Japanese heritage or origami lessons necessary.

Another great aspect of the Foldboat is that it also has practical applications beyond recreational fishing, rowing, or pirating. Due to its ease of assembly and small storage size, the boat can be packed in vast numbers and sent to flood zones at low cost.

What more could you possibly ask for in a foldable boat? A low cost you say? Unfortunately you won't get that. The vessel will set you back $1245, but you will surely make that back tenfold as you use your portable row boat to hijack the wealthy yatchs just lying there, vulnerable, in the marina.